Wall of Shame

I was confused. Hadn’t Lucas told me that I would one day find a special person, who would complement me and forever be by my side? Hadn’t he said that there was someone out there who was made just for me? Yes, that was what Lucas had said. That there was someone just for me, someone who could unleash emotions from my deepest being, even though I was convinced that those feelings had all but died with my former self.

But here I was, without that certain person. I wondered why brother Juda had as he had done. Why had he betrayed me?

“I don’t understand,” I mumbled to myself.

I had thought that he had been the one I was looking for, that he had been my soul-friend, but he had done the most horrible act of betrayal, leaving me for dead afterwards. The only one who still willingly kept by my side was…

“Forgiveness is the first act of healing.”

… Lucas.

“I don’t understand what circumstances you were in, but you will never be able to move on if you don’t forgive,” said Lucas from across him as they sat in the hospital ward. “Perhaps if you could talk about it…”

I was tempted to let out a sigh. “I told you already, Lucas. This isn’t something that can be spoken of. It is too shameful.”

“The Lord already knows you secrets, for His eyes are everywhere,” Lucas replied, “Is that not what you have taught me? Then is there still reason to hide?”

I shook my head, but then remembered that Lucas could not see me. “I cannot hide shame, but I must not flaunt it either, Lucas.”

Lucas was about to confront me again, but I shushed him.

“No, Lucas,” I said, “I don’t want to hear about this again.” I then scolded him gently. “Be quiet,” I grumbled, letting some of my annoyance slip through into my voice.

I was almost certain of it. It was the Devil tempting me to take revenge to lead me astray. That was why he used Juda against me, the reason why Juda had betrayed me. It was the Devil’s way to settle the scores with me, and I almost let him get the better of me too. But no, I would not let my guard down for temptation again, my walls were up high. I knew how to deal with it now.

No problem.

Yet, Lucas appeared to be thinking different of it. Apparently, it wasn’t ‘no problem’ for him; he insisted on trying to reach through to me.

“Why won’t you trust me,” he mumbled.

I shook my head. “I can’t.”

There was no room for forgiveness inside me, nor would I be tempted for revenge again. I was also unwilling to speak to Lucas about the acts of defilement against my person, for he was too special –too precious– to me and I wished not to tarnish his perception of me.

Hidden behind a wall of shame, I was at an impasse.

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