When godhood emerges or when it falls,
and the moon enshrouded in shadows
by the sun’s demanding calls;
when eyes become like shut windows,

roses are silent witnesses to murder,
a woman is stranded in another world,
traitors are led astray by Devils further,
and synchronization between voice and heart unfurled;

a song penetrates through desperation,
yet can’t lift the burden of shame;
the night moths announce one’s vocation;

every story I embark,
all souls cross my path,
I, Fate, leave my mark.




This story can be read for free, but if you really like my work, perhaps you’d consider buying me a cup of coffee?



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Night Moths

The wind howled, causing the rose petals to flutter around me in a dance like small butterflies. Their sweet scent tried to catch my attention, but my thoughts had long since traveled back to that night, three years ago, when the moon had lit up red for the first time.

I was fleeing. Running across the narrow, winding paths of the eerily silent monastery. White night moths, haunted me, chasing after me like little monsters. I kept running.

“Help! Someone, please, help me!”

No one listened. No one could have heard me. The entire monastery was permeated with the scent of damnation. I turned my head around to look back and saw Him, encircled by rose petals which were carried by the unnatural air surrounding Him. He was following me.

The wind rose and whispered in my ears, “You cannot escape Me, child… you belong to the Damned…”

“No!” I cried and I pressed my hands against my ears. I didn’t want to listen to it; I wouldn’t listen to it.

But no matter how hard I tried to resist, His voice penetrated through to me regardless, assaulting my eardrums like a nightly orchestra. “Resistance is futile, My child. You have always belonged to Me, and before the sun has risen, you’ll be in My power.”

I stubbornly kept running. Keep moving. Never ever stop again. “You won’t get me!” cried over my shoulder.

But when I focused on the path in front of me again, I knew deep inside how futile my struggle had been, for He was already in front of me. I recoiled. How could He stand before, when only moments ago He had been chasing after me? How had He done it?

I took another step backwards. Behind me I suddenly heard a different howl. Not the wind. No, they were wolves. I stiffened in fear. There was no way out!

He reached out with an open hand. “Will you surrender to Me now, mortal?”

I stood where I was, but I could not answer Him. The fear had silenced me into submission.

He strode towards me with all the majestic air that belonged to one who ruled, each of His steps soundless in the night air. He wrapped his arms around me, and within his embrace everything began to blur around me…

The first clap of thunder resounded and woke me from my thoughts. The arms surrounding me, however, had not disappeared.

“Do you enjoy your new position as Priest and right-hand of the Throne?”

“Why are You here?”

He grinned. “To celebrate our three years anniversary.”

“You rejoice in the fact that I have killed the one I loved most?”

He tutted softly. “My dear Judas, your destiny will always be to kill those who ascend to Godhood. It is the cross you bear.”

I closed my eyes. “My name is Juda, not Judas.”

He laughed then. “Juda or Judas, it matters little. Your soul still belongs to the Devil.”

He turned me around and stared at me with His lustful eyes, just like three years ago. My Lord. My Lover. My Captor. He was my eternal Enemy. Slowly, He coaxed me to lie down on the grassy ground of the garden and then He unclothed me. While He rewrote His curse on my body, I looked up into the face of the blood red moon in the sky, which reflected the guilt of sin staining my hands.

The night moths were no longer white.

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Wall of Shame

I was confused. Hadn’t Lucas told me that I would one day find a special person, who would complement me and forever be by my side? Hadn’t he said that there was someone out there who was made just for me? Yes, that was what Lucas had said. That there was someone just for me, someone who could unleash emotions from my deepest being, even though I was convinced that those feelings had all but died with my former self.

But here I was, without that certain person. I wondered why brother Juda had as he had done. Why had he betrayed me?

“I don’t understand,” I mumbled to myself.

I had thought that he had been the one I was looking for, that he had been my soul-friend, but he had done the most horrible act of betrayal, leaving me for dead afterwards. The only one who still willingly kept by my side was…

“Forgiveness is the first act of healing.”

… Lucas.

“I don’t understand what circumstances you were in, but you will never be able to move on if you don’t forgive,” said Lucas from across him as they sat in the hospital ward. “Perhaps if you could talk about it…”

I was tempted to let out a sigh. “I told you already, Lucas. This isn’t something that can be spoken of. It is too shameful.”

“The Lord already knows you secrets, for His eyes are everywhere,” Lucas replied, “Is that not what you have taught me? Then is there still reason to hide?”

I shook my head, but then remembered that Lucas could not see me. “I cannot hide shame, but I must not flaunt it either, Lucas.”

Lucas was about to confront me again, but I shushed him.

“No, Lucas,” I said, “I don’t want to hear about this again.” I then scolded him gently. “Be quiet,” I grumbled, letting some of my annoyance slip through into my voice.

I was almost certain of it. It was the Devil tempting me to take revenge to lead me astray. That was why he used Juda against me, the reason why Juda had betrayed me. It was the Devil’s way to settle the scores with me, and I almost let him get the better of me too. But no, I would not let my guard down for temptation again, my walls were up high. I knew how to deal with it now.

No problem.

Yet, Lucas appeared to be thinking different of it. Apparently, it wasn’t ‘no problem’ for him; he insisted on trying to reach through to me.

“Why won’t you trust me,” he mumbled.

I shook my head. “I can’t.”

There was no room for forgiveness inside me, nor would I be tempted for revenge again. I was also unwilling to speak to Lucas about the acts of defilement against my person, for he was too special –too precious– to me and I wished not to tarnish his perception of me.

Hidden behind a wall of shame, I was at an impasse.

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Alone. In the darkness again. That damn needle had put me here. No, it wasn’t that needle, it was Judas. It was that traitor, who had put me here. What was outside? I couldn’t remember anything but the wretched darkness surrounding me. Emptiness and darkness. Blackness. No one for me. No one was ever here for me. I was alone with my thoughts on Judas.

It was sudden.

I was not alone anymore. Suddenly, a voice was here. It was so clear resounding from the shadows. I believed then that this voice could lead me to the outside world. I wanted to hear it again, one more time, but…

Silence. Everything around me quieted down again, returning to how it was. It was as if the voice had never been there at all. Silence, emptiness, and darkness. I tried to shout. I tried to call for that voice again, but somehow I couldn’t. My vocal cords didn’t seem to work anymore.

Where was I again?  How had I come here?

I no longer remembered…


These questions were not important. I needed to focus. How could I get out of here? How could I get out to kill Jud–

What was that?

It was that voice again. I knew this voice. I was being called. If only I could answer. I wanted to cry out. Help me! Please, help me! But my voice wouldn’t listen to me.

I was beginning to get desperate.

I had to be heard. If I was not heard now, I would never be heard; I would never get out of here again!

I tried to stand up…

I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I stand up? I didn’t understand. It was as if I were stuck. Chained.

I tried pulling my arms. Nothing.

Again. No effect.

My arms were beginning to hurt, but then I remembered that I shouldn’t be able to feel my arms. Why was that? I had arms, didn’t I?

I couldn’t give up now. The voice – it was still…

It was singing. It sounded so sad, yet beautiful, and… familiar. I had heard it before. Whose voice was this?

Where did you wander to?
I cannot follow you.
When will return, my sight,
and darkness, once more, be light?”

A ray of light cut through the shades of darkness and fractured my chains.

Finally, I was free.

I opened my eyes and blinked. I looked around, and there he was, the man who saved my life. He was sitting upright in the bed opposite mine in the hospital ward. He must have moved in while I had been trapped within my mind.

The man was looking at me, but he didn’t appear to have noticed my waking. He didn’t see me at all for he was blind. I watched him as he continued his song:

Where did you go from here?
Was I the burden,
who made you disappear?
Was I the burden?
Is this what I fear?
I still long for you – oh, Sarai,
I still want you to be near.”

When he finished, I spoke, “I heard you no longer paint, but your talent for song hasn’t waned, Lucas.”

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I should not have been alive any longer when brother Juda had handed my death sentence to me, but I still was… somehow. Perhaps, some would call it a miracle, but to me it seemed more like a curse. For me to be alive, but unable to move, both in body and spirit; how could that be anything but a curse?

I was stuck. Trapped; nailed on the rough wooden surface of this torture device, this cross. And trapped within the darkness of my own mind, where the ever present voice of a wailing infant haunted me. That wailing voice, filled with so much agony, had tormented me ever since my birth. It pained me, hurt me time and again inside my chest to hear it, but it would never stop. Why was that child crying so much?

Why was it so painful to hear its cries?

I had no answers to those questions. In fact, I had not even known whom that voice had belonged to, the majority of my life. When I had been younger, it had only been the sound, a loud crying that called out to me within my dreams, and by doing so pierced through my very heart.

The pain, ever present and so unbearable, could never be stopped. Whatever methods I used – soft soothing whispers or loud yelling and shouting – there had never been a way to stop that voice’s crying. It just could not be silenced. Because of the cries within my head, I had never known the peacefulness of silence. I yearned for it desperately, prayed fervently to try to make the noise go away. But it was futile. And thus, like a cruel joke of fate, the pain remained forever, both in that child’s voice as well as in my heart as if the two of us were tied together by the threads of destiny itself.

But today, on this faithful day, when brother Juda lured me into his carefully crafted trap and crucified me, a revelation happened. Today, I had finally recognized the owner of the cursed voice that stood in synchronization with my own heart. A face and a name could be placed on the child who had been haunting my dreams. His name was Judas.

Yes, Judas was his true name, even though he called himself Juda.

The similarities of the infant’s cries and Juda’s voice could not be concealed to my sensitive ears, despite the passing of years and the deepening of the baritone. I had recognized who Juda was instantly from the moment he penetrated me… and dare I say even before that?

And it was in this instant that I had decided. The pain needed to be stopped.

That was likely the moment, when something finally clicked inside my mind. No more did I want to hear those sorrowful cries. The regret of past lives with which Judas’s soul cried out. No more would my heart bear that anguish. Not when the source of this hurt stood right in front of my nose and could be eliminated in a snap.

Yes, it was easy… so easy to kill my pain and make the world go silent for once.

If only that child would die.

Slowly, I broke through the prison of my mind. And as I awakened, there was only one thing that I desired. A silent world. I took in my surroundings, a plain room with white walls, while trying to block out those incessant wails in my head and that painful stab in my heart. I remembered what Juda had done to me. I had felt the Devil’s ghost standing beside him as he sent me to this place.

That voice… why would that voice never quiet?

“Die Judas… die.”

I wanted to tear the various wires and tubes from my body. I wanted to take off, leave the hospital, and head for the monastery.

“Die Judas… die.”

But the doctor came in and she injected a fluid into me with a sharp needle.

Forcefully, I was once more returned to darkness.

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The Devil’s Pet

I could read the thoughts and feelings of my conquest on his open face.

He was thinking about aggression.

Something about pounding my head in, once he got his old life back. That I deserved no less for humiliating him like this. That I tricked him by looking pretty, but my character was not nearly as beautiful – it was deeply ugly.

True; I was a far cry from his gentle brother Joshua, who was always there for him with a listening ear. I was a cruel creature who mistreated the poor soul. Unfortunately, he was stuck with me now. He no longer belonged to the world of brother Joshua..

“Damn you for taking me away from brother Joshua,” my underling muttered underneath his breath.

He was thinking of having me begging on my knees one day. It likely sounded wonderful in his ears. The seemingly invincible Devil begging for mercy, his cheeks lined with two streaks of tears, while Juda –or Judas– leaned over him, tall and merciless? Ah, how sweet revenge could be!

I noticed a blush dusting on my underling’s cheeks. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and starting waving his hand in a miserable attempt to cool himself down.

I could see his thoughts forming in his head.

Was he the only one thinking that way of the Devil? (No, he wasn’t.) But he hated him!

So, what if he hated the dark prince? That didn’t mean that he couldn’t think of him like that, right? For a monster, the Devil was certainly good looking, Judas had admitted it fairly and squarely to himself.

Why was he over-analyzing this anyway? He still hated the Devil, and that would never change, because it was the basis of their relationship. It was how their bond was defined.

My underling scratched his little, confused head.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw me crossing his path.

“Master,” said he as he bowed.

I acknowledged Judas with a nod, before we parted again.

I let a smirk glide over my face. I had existed long enough to know that annoyance and hate were a lot closer to friendship and love than people expected them to be.

My Judas didn’t know it yet, but he had found his special someone.

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I stared at the red numbers on my alarm. A quarter past two. I sighed. Another night without sleep. Without making a sound I got out of bed and dressed myself. Quietly I slipped down the stairs. My boyfriend, Lucas, was a light sleeper and I did not want to wake him. I pulled on my coat and went out.

Without any destination set in mind, I strolled through the quiet streets, the few people I met ignoring me. Eventually I arrived at the local church. A man sat straight in front of the entrance smoking a cigarette. I already wanted to continue my journey when he called me. “Boy, I have something for you!”

I turned around, annoyance clearly dripping from my face. “For all clarity, I am one-hundred percent female.”

The man beckoned me. “Girl, I have something to help you experience another world!”

I rolled my eyes. “Not ‘girl’ – it’s Sarai. And, no thanks. I have no interest in drugs.”

“No, no!” he called out and he waved around wildly with his arms. “It’s not drugs, no addictions at all. It’s much better.”

He rummaged inside one of his pockets and I stared at him with distrust. He beckoned me again and as curiosity overtook me, I shuffled bit by bit towards the man. He opened his hand to show me what he had obtained from his pocket. A key made of something that seemed like copper.

“Look,” he said. “It’s calling out to you.”

I looked at him disdainfully. That’s what he wanted to show me? I turned around and was about to walk away again when I heard whispering, that made me stop in my tracks. I turned back to look, but the man was already gone. On the ground the key was left behind.

An indescribable desire to grab the key overtook me and I relented to this strange desire. I stooped low and grabbed the key. I carefully observed the copper-colored item, but there was nothing special I could discover.

A breeze picked up. Again a voice whispered into my ear. The same strange voice. I felt a chill running through my body, but I wasn’t sure whether it was caused by the cold night air or the mysterious whisper. “Put me inside the keyhole,” the voice seemed to say.

I looked around me, but there was no keyhole to be found, except for…

I turned back towards the church. The lock on the door of the church? Was that it? I stared at the key in my hand for a moment and then put it inside the lock. Slowly I turned the key around. Click. I pushed the door ajar and stiffened when it started to creek. God, I was ridiculous. What in heaven’s name was I afraid of? Devils do not dwell on the Colony. I gathered all the courage I could muster and opened the door all the way open. Nothing special. Still the same old church. I stepped inside and the door slammed shut behind me. An empty silence ruled the place.

“What in God’s name am I doing here!” I called out. My voice echoed through the entire church.

No one heard me. I was alone. Annoyed I decided to turn around an head back. However, when I tried to open the door I discovered that it was locked. I tried to put the key inside the lock, but somehow it did not fit anymore.

It angered me. I started knocking loudly on the door. “God damn it, open that damn door!” Did I really have to pull my hair out of my head, just to have someone listen to me?

I looked around me and noticed the sun had already begun to rise. How late was it? I lifted my arm and stared at my watch. Three o’clock. No batteries? I scrunched my eyebrows together. That wasn’t possible, I had changed them last week. Something wasn’t right here…

Suddenly a soft chuckle. It was that voice again. The soft chuckling got louder and louder and it didn’t take long before the chuckle turned into hysterical laughter. Candles started to burn out of their own free will and the first beams of light that shone through the window had turned red like fire.

The key in my right hand lit up and within moments the copper became glowing hot. So hot it became, that I dropped it out of my hand and with a loud clatter let it fall onto the floor. I stared at my hand and saw how the skin had been burned.

The insane laughter stopped and the voice began to speak loud and clearly. “How nice of you to join us, boy. Let me introduce you to my guests.”

On the floor the glowing key had started to draw a pentagram of fire. The moment the key was done, a gate opened within the flames. Dark creatures came crawling from the fire. The key itself had started to burn as well and slowly the small object had turned into a man. The same man who had given me the copper key.

“Three o’clock is the hour of the Devil,” he said, all the while chuckling in his insane manner. “I told you the key would bring you to another world. You nay-sayers still think that the Devil remains exclusively on the blue planet? You’re wrong.” Still grinning, he strolled towards me and I saw how his sharp fangs shone within the red light.

He stopped for a moment and turned his attentions to a monster draped in the garbs of a priest. He smiled.

“Breakfast is ready, Judas.”

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Brother Joshua

That night, red roses blossomed in the monastery’s garden.

Every step of my feet echoed through the endless halls of the monastery. The silent darkness made me shake in fear, but I bravely kept on walking. A maze of halls and stairs were determined to keep me away from my final destination: brother Joshua.

Finally I reached his room. I took a deep breath and softly knocked on the door, waiting for him to answer me.

“Come in!” he called.

I opened the door and stepped into his room, where I found him seated behind his desk, his eyes glued to a stack of documents. He looked up from them and his clear blue eyes met mine, dark like the night.

“Brother Juda,” he greeted me, “From where this honor to visit me? And during such a time?”

I bit my bottom lip as I felt my heart beating rapidly. It was as though my chest could burst open any moment.

He raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Brother Juda?” he repeated.

Slowly I walked up to him, the floor creaking underneath my feet. It was now or never, this was the moment.

“Brother Joshua,” I greeted him back.

He kept staring at me, with his worried eyes.

“You must know, my brother, that I love and respect you above all other brothers among us. It is why I’ve come to you. A question has bothered me for so long, taunting me and giving me sleepless nights…”


I kissed his frozen lips. Still so soft as always. The wind played with his beautiful hair. I kissed his closed eyes. His pale cheeks. The wounds piercing through his feet and the palms of his hands. My lips touched and caressed every inch of his body, as I remembered our conversation. Brother Joshua, I loved him so much. I loved him above all.

Love is the way to God.”

I carefully peeled the clothes of his body and admired his unequaled beauty. Brother Joshua, to him I’ve sold my soul and He was my God. I spread his legs and conquered his Temple.

Love God above all, and your neighbor as yourself, for that is the path that leads to Heaven.”

Stars shooting past my eyes, a thousand times more than those twinkling in the night sky. His cold body warmed up underneath mine, as I road faster and faster over the sacred path. Within him I found my Heaven, when I reached the moment of ecstasy. Brother Joshua, he was my final destination.

My brother, which path does Love follow?”

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World of Darkness

I live in a world where I can’t see the faces that I love. I live in a world where I can’t see the bright colors that are supposed to cheer me up. I live in a world where the darkness rules.

I can hear the people around me laugh, but the smiles on their faces will never reach my eyes. Not again. I can smell the sweet scent of the flowers, but I’ll never see their beauty. Not ever again. I can touch Joshua’s soft hair, but I won’t ever see his glossy black locks again. Never again.

I used to dream about being a painter, for I loved to paint flowers, just like Joshua did. Before he entered the monastery, Joshua always praised me for bringing out such vibrant colors on the canvas; and, in his paintings, I saw beauty brought to life. But now; now, I know that dream will never come true; I’ll never become a painter. I won’t even see that beautiful rose garden which Joshua tends to in his monastery, for all that matters, not even when I long to see it so much.

White flowers, he says, white roses of purity, but I can’t see them. There is nothing but blackness surrounding my every thought.

I live in my world of darkness and this darkness is consuming me, but there is no way to end it all. I know I’ll never see the bright light shining again, because…

I’ve given up hope. God will not come to help me, and now there will never be a spark of light in my life again. I won’t blame Him, there is no one to blame for this. This is fate. This is what life wants from me and it hurts. Life hurts me. It hurts to know that I, Lucas, was born to be blind.

And yet… though I have long since fallen into despair, I cannot forget that hand which still reached out to me, unwilling to let me loiter in the depravity of self-pity. She took me by the hand, and though I cannot stand on my own, she supports me; she leads me.

My thankfulness to her is eternal: her name is Sarai.

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The Golden Sun

“Astin,” my sister said, bringing my attention to her. “ Do you like the fireworks?”

I nodded. “Yes, of course, little Isa,” I replied. “The fireworks bring good luck. They chase away the Devil’s minions, and protect our father’s health.”

Fireworks. They reminded me of my past. I had been princess Esther. I still remember myself sitting next to my youngest sister, Isa, arms around the small child, as we both watched the colored lights with fascination.

Isa had been a bundle of sparkling joy. Despite being systematically abused by our father’s right hand, Priest Juda, she would lit up like a golden sun, the instant she saw me. It was this bundle of joy that had kept me going within the palace walls which hid and confined me.

When I had gone to the old world, I had often thought about Isa. What would happen to her, without her older sister there to protect her? But I should not have worried about little Isa. The girl had been fine all along. Like the sun Isa had woken up every day to shine with her bright smile. And today she shone over this entire nation, like that golden globe up in the sky, bringing the people of SpaceColony HEXIA hope for many generations to come.

Yes, Isa was like the sun. And I, Astin, like the moon. Already I could see the rays of light radiating from Isa; they blinded everyone from me, the pale moon. Who would notice me? And yet, no matter how brightly my sister shone, how could I, Astin, follow behind her? I am no longer Esther, I could no longer be hidden in the shadows. Furthermore, Isa no longer needed my protection; she seemed to have made an arrangement with the Priest. What purpose was there then, to follow in the darkness, to protect from the shadows? I no longer saw it.

“A full moon tonight,” I heard Isa mumble under her breath. She turned her head and looked at me with a sideways glance. “The moon is good to our people, sister; she protects us from darkness. Yet, it is the sun which brings prosperity.”

I held her gaze captive with my eyes. I felt the urge, wanted to scoot closer, place an arm around my sister and kiss the girl, but… I did not. I had to come to terms with it, that Isa was no more a child.

I gave her a gentle smile. “Yes, my Isa,” I said, “tomorrow the sun will bring us prosperity again. But tonight, the moon still shines.”

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